RELATIONSHIP ROAD TRIP
PASSING ZONE
DR. JIM DIXON
SEPTEMBER 30, 2007
MATTHEW 18:21-22, LUKE 17:3-4
There’s an old saying: “If you’re not the lead dog, the view never changes.” If you think of the Iditarod, dog sleds, and dog teams, I suppose there’s some truth in that. Barb thinks that’s my motto when I drive on the road. “If you’re not the lead dog, the view never changes.” Sometimes, when I pass, Barb is afraid. She thinks I don’t always pass with care. Of course, I think that I’m passing very well and very carefully. Barb feels the same way about her driving when she passes.
A few years ago, we decided to take a road trip. We were heading up to Jackson Hole, to Yellowstone National Park and Grand Teton National Park. Barb and I came to an agreement that I wouldn’t pass anybody on the whole trip. We went west to Dillon and then north up to Steamboat Springs. We started working our way towards I-80. Pretty soon Barb was saying, “Why don’t you pass this guy?”
Of course, there are tractors on the road, and RVs, and 18-wheelers going up hills. Sometimes, you’ve just got to get around what’s ahead of you, right? That’s part of road trips. And there’s a process to passing. First, there’s an irritant. Then, you look for an opportunity to get around it. Then, you adjust your steering wheel, you hit the accelerator, and then readjust your steering wheel on the other side. It’s all in the process of passing.
Today, we look at forgiveness on this road trip of life, on this journey in relationships. We’re going to look at the process of passing, the process of forgiving. The first teaching this morning is about hurt. In the process of forgiveness, the first stage is this: we hurt. If you don’t hurt, then you probably don’t have that much to forgive.
Genesis 37 is a controversial chapter. Bible scholars debate various things in the chapter. In it, we read how the brothers of Joseph sold him into slavery and how Joseph was taken to Egypt. We’re told that Joseph was sold to an Ishmaelite caravan. In that same chapter, however, we’re told that Joseph was sold . . . I mean, the implication was that Joseph was sold to Midianite traders. So, Bible scholars are saying, “Well, how can this be? Was Joseph sold to Ishmaelites or was he sold to Midianites?” There is a difference. Ishmaelites are descendants of Abraham through his slave Hagar and through the line of Ishmael. The Midianites are descendants of Abraham through Keturah and through their son Midian. So, there are different genealogies. These people groups are not the same. So, why does there seem to be this confusion in Genesis 37?
Some Bible scholars say, “Well, both the Midianites and the Ishmaelites were involved in taking Joseph to Egypt. Maybe it was a joint deal.” Other Bible scholars say, “Hey, maybe the two terms are kind of used synonymously in the Bible.” In fact, we now know that the term Ishmaelite was used by the Jews in ancient times to describe any descendant of Abraham that didn’t come from Sarah. It described any descendant of Abraham that didn’t come from Isaac, any descendant of Abraham that was not Jewish. So, any descendant of Abraham that is non-Jewish was, in biblical times, sometimes called an Ishmaelite.
The real problem is that if you focus on stuff like this, you miss the message. The problem is this: you look at things like this in the Bible, and you don’t get the message from God. Genesis 37 has to do with rejection. It has to do with sin. It has to do with betrayal. Joseph, one of the great characters of the Bible, was betrayed by his brothers. They sinned against him. They hated him.
They hated him for a variety of reasons. The Bible tells us that he was handsome, good looking. The Bible rarely makes comments like that. Maybe they hated him because of that. Maybe he was better looking than his brothers, and they hated him for it. The Bible tells us that he was his father’s favorite. So, maybe his brothers hated him for that. The Bible tells us that God had greatly gifted Joseph and he was a man of supernatural dreams, a man able to interpret dreams supernaturally. He had a dream that, one day, the sun, the moon, and eleven stars would bow down to him. His family took that to mean his mom and dad and eleven brothers would bow down to him. That doesn’t encourage sibling affection. So, they hated him. They sinned against him. They betrayed him. They threw him into a cistern. They threw him into a pit.
At first, they sought his death; but then the thought occurred to them, “Why shed blood? Why have that on our hands when we can get rid of him and make some money at the same time?” So, they handed him off to this Ishmaelite caravan and to these Midianite traders. Of course, you know the rest of the story. You know how God raised Joseph up and how Joseph became viceroy and governor of Egypt at the right hand of Pharaoh himself. You know how, in the course of time, Joseph’s brothers (who thought him dead) traveled to Egypt. It was a time of famine, and they were seeking some of Egypt’s provision. So, they came to stand before their brother. They did not recognize him, but he recognized them. You read how Joseph put his brothers through various tests. Ultimately, the whole story is about forgiveness. But as you read the story from Genesis 37 through Genesis 45, in those nine chapters you see the pain that Joseph certainly felt. When you’re sinned against and betrayed, you hurt.
In the Bible, Jesus rarely talks about sexual sin. The Apostle Paul talks a great deal about sexual sin, but Jesus rarely mentions it. Some Christians, therefore, think that sexual sin was not an important subject for Jesus. Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s just that Jesus ministered in Israel, and the moral law centered on the Decalogue and the Torah. There were sexual laws of behavior and conduct; those laws were enforced. Israel, in the time of Christ, was not a promiscuous nation. So, Jesus was more concerned with sins of pride—because in Israel, there were great sins of pride in the time of Christ. The Apostle Paul, on the other hand, went to the Gentile nations. There was little moral law in the Gentile nations. No Decalogue. No Torah. In the Gentile nations, there was promiscuity, sexual misconduct, and depravity. So, Paul speaks frequently regarding sexual sin.
Jesus does on occasion, however, address the subject of sexual sin; and He considers it very serious. In Matthew 15 and in Mark 7, Jesus uses the word “adultery” and the word “fornication.” The Greek word for “adultery” is “moicheia,” and it refers to sex outside of marriage, the betrayal of your spouse. The word for “fornication” in the passages is “porneia,” from which we get the word “pornography.” “Porneia” originally referred to sex prior to marriage, but it came to refer to any kind of sexual sin.
God gave sex as a beautiful gift to us, a gift meant to be opened only in the context of marriage. It’s a beautiful gift, but any other use of sex is considered sin, biblically. Jesus uses the words “moicheia” and “porneia,” “adultery” and “fornication.” He tells us in Matthew 15 and Mark 7 that they are evil and that “they arise from an evil heart.” Then He equates adultery and fornication with murder and theft. He links them with murder and theft because they’re serious things.
As you read the Gospels, you see how Jesus does not allow for divorce because marriage is sacred. Then Jesus does allow for divorce in the case of adultery. Why is that? It’s because adultery is a breach of the marriage union, and it brings such pain and hurt. Of course, it’s forgivable by God’s grace and great mercy.
You know, in 36 years of ministry, I’ve had wives come in my office crying . . . just crying because their husbands committed adultery. They feel so devalued. They feel so rejected. They feel worthless. I’ve had husbands come in and cry. I’ve had men come in, and tears just fill their eyes. Their bodies are just shaking because their wife has committed adultery . . . the pain and the hurt are hard to bear.
Some of you have felt that hurt. Of course, there are so many ways for people to sin against us. There are so many forms of rejection and betrayal. I think some people think they need to forgive their dad simply because he died too young. I’ve talked to people who still hurt because their dad died when they were only a teenager or before they reached their teenage years. I’ve talked to people who feel like they need to forgive their mom because they never knew her, because she gave them up, because she did not want them. They were raised by somebody else, and the pain and the hurt is there. There are all kinds of hurt in the world in which we live. So, the first stage of forgiveness—we hurt.
Now, the second stage—we hate. You might think, “Oh, that’s not true of me. I don’t hate.” I’m not sure you’re being honest with your emotions or the way you feel when you hurt. The Bible tells us that God Himself can hate. You can’t love—and God is love—unless you have the capacity to hate. Because if you love, you’re going to hate whatever hurts those you love. That’s why God hates sin. God hates sin because it destroys those whom He loves. You can’t be just—and God is just—and not hate injustice. You can’t be just and not hate oppression. So, God hates because God is love and God is just.
Jesus had a capacity to hate. He became angry in righteous indignation. In John 11, you have a difficult passage. Jesus is standing outside the tomb of Lazarus. Lazarus was his friend, and Lazarus was dead. Lazarus has been dead for three days. Jesus is standing there outside the tomb of his dead friend. Mary and Martha and many other family members and friends are there, and they’re crying. John 11:35 says, “Jesus wept.” Jesus begins to cry. Of course, He knows what He’s about to do. He’s about to raise Lazarus from the dead. But still, He cries, perhaps because He sees the hurt and the pain of His friends.
Then we’re told more. We’re told that Jesus is “deeply troubled.” That’s what it says in the RSV, “deeply troubled.” Those words are inadequate to convey the force of the Greek. The Greek word is “embrimaomai.” “Embrimaomai” is a powerful word. In Vine’s Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words, which is an inferior expository dictionary, Vine looks at this word “embrimaomai” and says, “Yes, it does mean anger and indignation and aggravation and even a little bit of hate. But,” Vine says, “I don’t think it can mean that in this context because it’s Jesus.” Well, you see, that’s bad scholarship. That’s an abuse of the Greek. That’s treating the Greek prejudicially. That’s bringing your suppositions and presuppositions to the text. That’s bad exegesis.
If you look at Colin Brown, which is a better expository dictionary; or Kittle, which is a much better expository dictionary; or the Word Biblical Commentary, which is a new set of Greek commentaries, they all point out that “embrimaomai” must connote anger. That’s just indigenous to the word. It’s part of its root meaning—anger, aggravation, hate. All that was stirring in Jesus . . . And why? As He stood outside the tomb, why was He feeling those things? We don’t know, and the text doesn’t tell us.
Some scholars think, “Well, maybe He was angry because of the unbelief that He saw around Him.” Others say, “Maybe He was angry at the devil because the devil has come into the world to kill and to maim and to destroy.” Others say, “Maybe He was just angry at death and disease and tragedy and suffering.” Certainly, Jesus hates those things. God has a capacity to hate, and we do too. God’s hatred is always righteous, righteous indignation; but we’re messed up. I’m messed up. You’re messed up. We may have some righteous indignation when we hate, but because we’re messed up, there’s other stuff in there too. Normally, there’s other stuff in there because we’re not righteous.
So, you come to Genesis chapter 4, the story of Cain and Abel. There you see these two men—both messed up, both fallen—bringing offerings to God. Abel brings of the firstlings of his flock and of their fat portions. God is pleased, and God accepts Abel’s gifts. Then comes Cain, and he brings of the fruit of the land. His gift is not accepted. We’re not told why (although scholars debate that a lot). Cain is hurt, and he begins to hate. Hurt and hate often are pretty closely linked. So, Cain is hurt, and he begins to hate, and his hate is transferred to his brother Abel.
God speaks to Cain and says, “Look out! Sin is crouching at the door. If you do well, you’ll be accepted. Why has your countenance fallen? Why are you angry? Beware.” This stage where we hurt and then we hate is a dangerous stage. The second stage is dangerous, just like passing in traffic.
Many of you have heard of Charles Spurgeon. Charles Spurgeon was a great preacher and orator. In the year 1854, at the age of 20, he became pastor of the New Park Street Church in London, England—a great church. He was born in 1834 in Essex, England. In 1850, at age 16, Charles Spurgeon accepted Christ in a little Methodist Church. He gave his heart to Jesus after a brief period of teenage rebellion. Then at age 18, the call of God came upon Charles Spurgeon, and he became a pastor in a Baptist Church in Cambridge. Then at age 20, 1854, he became pastor of the New Park Street Church in London, England. Incredible. He was only 20 years old, and he was pastoring this great church.
New Park Street Church became a huge megachurch. You might think the megachurch movement is a recent phenomenon, but it’s always been around. You can go back to the 1st century . . . the Jerusalem Church was a megachurch. Peter preached, and 3,000 people accepted Christ in a single day. That’s a megachurch. Of course, Peter was just the first to see that phenomenon.
In the year 1854, Charles Spurgeon began to pastor this church, and it grew and it grew. They built the Metropolitan Tabernacle to house his congregation. The Metropolitan Tabernacle is more than twice the size of this worship center. I have, in my office, all the sermons of Charles Spurgeon, volume after volume, many, many books. I’ve read a few of his sermons. I could not preach like that. I would not try. He was more than twice the preacher that I am. But it doesn’t matter because God has not called us to any worldly standard of greatness. God has simply called us to faithfulness. That’s all He’s called us to.
It’s true that Charles Spurgeon was faithful. He was faithful in his hour and in his time. There is a story often told about him. Of all the stories about Charles Spurgeon, I think this is the one most told and the one I’ve heard the most. It’s about the time that he received a letter where somebody had simply written this word: “Fool!” Somebody didn’t like Charles Spurgeon. So, that next Sunday, he took that letter to church, and he held it up in front of everybody. If it had been today, he would have put it on the screen where everybody could see it. Then Spurgeon said, “You know, many is the time I’ve received a letter where someone wrote the message and then neglected to sign it; but this is the first time I’ve received a letter where someone signed it and neglected to write the message.” Certainly, Spurgeon had a sense of humor; but you wonder if there wasn’t just a little hurt and maybe a little hate in his heart that Sunday.
I think rejection even in the form of letters can make us feel that way. This past week, I received a few letters about Sunday’s sermon. One was kind of over the top I thought. It hurts; there is anger and maybe a little hatred. It’s a small thing though compared to real rejection. I mean, the hurt you feel from a letter is a small thing compared to what some of you may have experienced this week or in the past weeks or years. Maybe you did have someone slander you, and you’re still living under the stigma of that. Maybe you did have a spouse who committed adultery and betrayed you, your husband or your wife. Maybe you were fired, you feel, without justice and without cause. I don’t know what you’re going through. I know that the first stage is hurt and the second stage is hate. I also know that God understands this. It can be part of a process that’s almost necessary in forgiveness; but we need to be very, very careful because sometimes we love to hate.
There is a great book written by Alexander Dumas; it’s a classic called “The Count of Monte Christo.” The star of Dumas’ story is a man named Dantès, who is falsely thrown into prison for 13 years after being betrayed. He suffers greatly. For 16 years, he’s separated from his fiancée who, thinking him dead, goes and marries his betrayer, not knowing that he was a betrayer. When Dantès gets out of prison, he lives for vengeance, and he’s filled with hate. After 16 years, he confronts Mercédès, his former fiancée. She urges him to let go of his hate. In the movie version, Dantès says to Mercédès, “If you ever loved me, don’t rob me of my hate; it’s all I have.” Mercédès replies, “Let it go. Let it go. I don’t know what dark plan lies within you, nor do I know by what design we were asked to live without each other these 16 years; but God has offered us a new beginning. Don’t slap his hand away.” Dantès retorts, “Can I never escape Him?” “No,” says Mercédès, “He is in everything.”
God is in everything. He is in our hurt. He’s even in our hate, and He’s always working. I think some people just don’t want to let go of their hate because, somehow, it gives them energy; it almost gives them purpose in life. God always wants us to let go of our hate. He wants us to move on. He wants us to pass. He wants us to forgive.
I sometimes wonder . . . It’s so easy to hate the sins of other people, so easy to hate when people sin against us. I wonder if we are so ready to hate our own sin. Are we so ready to hate our own sin? Because we should hate our own sin. If healing and forgiveness is a process, then even internally, with regard to our own sin, we need to be hurt and we need to hate. We need to hate our own sin.
Jesus tells the story of a Pharisee and a publican in Luke 18. Jesus says the Pharisee and the publican go up to the Temple to pray. We think of these two men as very different; but, in a sense, they’re similar. A publican was a servant of the law, a servant of the Roman law. The Roman treasury was called “the publican,” and the “publicani” were those who served the treasury and the Roman law, those who collected taxes throughout the Roman Empire. The Pharisees were servants of the Jewish law, servants of the Decalogue, servants of the Torah. The publicans were hated by the Jews because they served the Romans and the Treasury. They also hated publicans because they were tax collectors, and many publicans cheated and were crooked. So, Jesus sets the stage.
These two guys go to the Temple to pray, the religious leader and the tax collector, the Pharisee and the publican. The Pharisee stands and lifts his eyes toward heaven and says, “God, I thank Thee that I’m not like other people.” It’s pride. But the tax collector, Jesus says, would not lift his eyes toward heaven but just beat his breast saying, “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Jesus said, “I tell you, that man went home forgiven.” That publican must have hated his sin. Why did he beat his breast? Why would he not lift his head toward heaven? I think his own sin caused him hurt and pain, and he hated his sin. I do believe we should be like that. I should be like that. You should be like that. It’s part of the process of forgiving ourselves.
There is a third stage—we heal. We hurt. We hate. We heal. Of course, not all people get to this stage. Some people never move beyond hate; but in God’s plan, biblically, there’s a third stage where we heal.
Lewis Smedes was one of my professors at theological seminary. He is a professor of ethics and theology. He was a friend and mentor to me. He was one of my mentors in my doctoral program. In my time, I would go and sit in Lewis Smedes’ office. It was cherry wood with books from floor to ceiling. He’d smoke his pipe, and he would wax eloquent, and I would listen.
He died just a couple of years ago at Christmastime. He fell and died while decorating his Christmas tree. He was in his 80s. He wrote many books, and some of them were bestsellers. One of his classics was called “Forgive and Forget,” written in the 1980s. In that book, Lew reminds us that God never really forgets. That’s bad theology to think that God forgets because God is omniscient. God knows everything. God doesn’t forget in the technical sense. It’s not like you can arrive in heaven and say to the Lord, “Hey, remember that time I committed adultery?” And He’s kind of like, “Oh man, I can’t remember that.” God is omniscient. What Smedes points out is this: God forgets His grievance when you repent. When God forgives, He forgets His grievance. So, you come to a passage like Isaiah 43:15 where God says, “I will remember your sins no more.” He’s talking about His grievance. He will remember His grievance no more. I think that’s what God looks for from us as we heal, as we let go of the grievance.
It’s oftentimes debated, “Shall we forgive somebody who doesn’t repent? What if they sin against us and they don’t repent? Must we still forgive them?” I think there are two ways to look at it. On the one hand, I think, inwardly, the answer is yes. Inwardly, you should forgive everybody even if they haven’t repented. Inwardly, within yourself, you must heal, you must get beyond it, you must let go of the bitterness—you must forgive inwardly. In terms of the outward, the reconciliation and the coming together . . . I think the Bible does tell us that we need to pray that there will be repentance; and where there is repentance, we should always forgive. I think that’s the message, biblically. But we need to heal within ourselves; always we need to heal, and there needs to be an inward forgiveness.
I really thank God for Barb. I’ve been married to Barb for over 36 years. Barb has been my best friend on this earth. Yet, we have fought from time to time—partly because I’m messed up, and Barb’s a little messed up too. We have these fights from time to time. I’ve shared with the congregation how on two occasions, I’ve actually gotten out of the car and threatened to walk home in the midst of a fight.
The first time was in the Tech Center. It was over an elevator. Our little daughter Heather was afraid of elevators at that time. Barb just wanted us to let it go and give her time. I wanted to confront Heather’s fear. Barb and I got into a big fight over it. We were about to drive home, but we were still at the Tech Center. I got out of the car and said, “I’m walking home.” Barb began to drive alongside of me going about 2 miles an hour in the car. The kids rolled down the windows, saying, “Daddy, get back in the car.” It was a wonderful moment.
The second occasion was more recent. I had played golf, and I didn’t play very well (which is almost always the case). I came home, and I wasn’t in a good mood. Back then, it really mattered to me that I play golf well. I’ve reached the point now where I don’t care anymore and golf is fun; but back then, I came home after playing poorly, and I was kind of in a bad mood. We were heading out in the car for Aurora where some folks from the church here were having us for dinner.
We’re driving to Aurora, and Barb could tell that I’m still down. She told me that I needed to grow up. She said, “You really need to be more mature.” She said, “It’s just a game. You can’t let your self-esteem and your self-worth be tied to a game.” She kind of gave me a sermon—and it wasn’t even Sunday! So, I was kind of upset and not liking that. So, I got out of the car and said, “I’m walking home.” I start walking, and pretty soon, I think, “Wow! It’s a long way home.” I had no money on me, and I see Barb kind of heading down the street. I began to wave, “Barb, Wait! Wait! Barb!” She didn’t hear me, I guess, and so she continued . . .
Wouldn’t you know, just at that moment, a car comes around the corner with a family from the church. They see me going, “Barb! Barb! Barb!” They pull over and say, “What’s going on, man?” You’ve got to know that God has a sense of humor. It was an awkward, embarrassing moment. They went and caught Barb. She came back, and we went on to the dinner. But I thank God that Barb heals quickly. I also thank God that I heal kind of quickly too, and I think that’s helped us through the years. The hurt and the hate doesn’t last very long. I think that’s the grace of Jesus in us. As we’re in the Word and in prayer, as in our hearts we seek to please Him, He helps us heal. He helps us in our love for each other. This is the will of God for us and for you, that we heal.
There’s a warning in the Bible. The parable that Jesus told of the unmerciful servant in Luke 18 is a warning. We’ve been shown mercy and grace, and now we must give mercy and grace. “Judgement will be without mercy,” Jesus said, “For those who have shown no mercy.” So, this call is always upon us: to show mercy and to heal.
There is one final stage. We hurt. We hate. We heal. And finally, we huddle. (You notice the alliteration.) That’s God’s ultimate goal for us—that we come together with the person that we’re forgiving, and that we would huddle.
Some of you saw the Broncos game a couple of weeks ago when they played the Oakland Raiders. You know that it was a crazy ending. I remember at the end of the game, Oakland kicked a field goal and it was good. Because it was overtime, I thought the game was over . . . Oakland’s won. I left the room kind of disgusted. A minute later, I walked back into the room, and I noticed that they’re teeing it up again. Oakland’s trying a field goal again. The first one didn’t count. The guy misses the second field goal, and the Broncos go on to win! Hallelujah!
About an hour later, our daughter calls. She’s up in the mountains with her husband Chris and the kids, our grandkids. I said, “Heather, how are you doing?” She said, “Pretty good. Chris isn’t doing so well.” She said, “Since the Broncos lost, he’s not doing so well.” I said, “The Broncos didn’t lose. They won!” She said, “Really?” She said, “As soon as Oakland made the field goal, he turned off the TV, tossed a couple of pillows, and went in the other room. He’s just kind of been down.” I said, “Well, get him on the phone and let me tell him.” Chris comes to the phone and says, “Hello.” I’m saying, “Chris, they won! The Broncos won!” It’s amazing how countenance and mood can instantly change.
I was thinking . . . when the Broncos lose, it’s like these four stages of forgiveness. We hurt. We hate—”Those stupid Broncos! Somebody ought to be fired!” Then we heal. Then, eventually, we huddle. Usually, a week later we huddle again. It’s kind of those same four stages. It’s really what God desires for us and our relationships—that as we go through those stages of forgiveness, we would come together again.
This is the way God treats us. That’s what makes the prodigal son so beautiful. You see the loving father waiting for his repenting son to come home so he can hug him and they can huddle. That’s God’s plan and desire for us. That’s His will for us in this journey called life, this road trip in relationships. That’s what Christians should be known for—loving forgiveness, mercy, and grace. God understands our hurt, and He even understands our hate; but He calls us to heal. Maybe we need to get some help and talk to a counselor. But this is God’s desire for us. Ultimately, by His grace, we can huddle and come together again. Let’s look to the Lord with a word of prayer.